0/10. Do not recommend.

 

These.

Are. 

Terrible. 

They smell and taste a fair bit like vomit. Without question, the worst chicken tenders I've ever tried. Inedible. 

I don't want my coffee to taste like coffee

Let me be clear: I am addicted to coffee . . . but I don't actually like coffee. I'm addicted to the caffeine, no question, but also to the ritual of it. I like the idea of, the act of, having a cup (or four) of coffee in the morning. To any coffee lover, though, my need to drown my coffee in decadent, unapologetically flavor-forward dessert-themed coffee creamers is likely horrifying. If that's you, look away. This post is not for you.

Maybe two months ago, I was avoiding work and got on the websites of two of my favorite coffee creamer brands: Coffeemate and International Delight. Turns out you can suggest flavors, see "recipes" for combining flavors, and find out where you can buy new releases. I was hooked. Did I suggest flavors? Yes. Yes I did. In fact, I suggested a few. I then contemplated a career change where I work for a coffee creamer company coming up with new coffee creamer flavors and testing them. I've had similar thoughts about ice cream, btw, and chocolate covered sea salt caramels. And popcorn.

In my sojourns to these websites, I learned that there are coffee creamers that I hadn't yet had tried, or even heard of: glazed donut, funfetti vanilla cake, oatmeal creme pie (all of those are from Coffeemate) and vanilla cannoli creme latte from International Delight. I wanted them. I wanted them all.

I (of course) posted about it on Facebook and I'm heartened by how many people tried to find ways for me to buy these in town. In other words, my friends and family are the best. I stumbled upon funfetti and oatmeal creme pie at Hy-Vee. I legitimately did a little hip-shaking dance in the aisle.  I also picked up cookies & cream, s'mores, and almond coco loco Chobani coffee creamer. A few weeks later, I finally bit the bullet, as they say, and made an in-person trip to Walmart to purchase glazed donut coffee creamer. Truth time: I bought four in case they were wonderful. (I've struck out on vanilla cannoli: it's simply not in town. It looks like Walmart in Ashland might have it, though, so I'll give it a try if/when I get back home. I'm told it's not great, but the online reviews are quite good. I'll update you if I get to try it.)

Here's my ranking of the new flavors I got to try, as well as a few of my old favorites:

1. Oatmeal creme pie

Okay, legit? This takes like Little Debbie oatmeal creme pies. It's eerie, but in the best possible way. And as oatmeal is typically a breakfast food, there's something warmly comforting about a hint of it in your coffee. This, like all my favorite coffee creamers, has a distinct flavor and is probably a tad too sweet . . . but I like that. 

2. MnM. 

When I bought this I thought, so this is just chocolate flavored, right? But it's not, in the same way that MnMs aren't simply chocolate. By some chemical gastronomical magic, this coffee creamer actually tastes like MnMs. It's that really American chocolate flavor (I wanted to say Hershey's, but it's actually Mars chocolate, I suppose) but somehow, they have also captured the candy coating of MnMs. And somehow, that's more than just "sugar" as a taste. It actually tastes like MnMs. I can't always find this in town, but when I can, it's my go-to coffee creamer. The Oatmeal Creme Pie is really distinct and captures exactly the cookie it takes as its inspiration, but it's a bold flavor. The MnM is a bit more subtle and unassuming. 

3. Cookies & Cream (Chobani) tied with S'mores (Chobani)

Chobani coffee creamers are a different beast altogether. When they're really good, they remind me of melted ice cream. And that's what these two remind me of. Chobani creamers are thicker than more traditional liquid coffee creamers. They sometimes separate a bit, but you have to be careful not to shake them too hard; if you do, you might make actual butter because they're made primarily of actual cream. If you're invested in having your coffee creamer be a little more "natural" (whatever that means), Chobani is a good option.

These two flavors, frankly, taste pretty similar. If you put a ploop into two identical coffees, I'm not sure I'd be able to tell them apart. Both have a sort of cookies & cream + marshmallow flavor profile that's really satisfying. Pardon me for this phrase, but the mouth feel of these creamers is really pleasant. They've got a body to them that CoffeeMate and International Foods lack. They make your coffee feel a bit richer, heavier, perhaps even thicker. I despise this term, but it's accurate: they're decadently creamy. (((shudder))) And yet, not all of the Chobani creamer flavors are winners (see below); these two, though, are worth trying. 

4. Caramel. 

I mean, who doesn't like caramel? (That said, I am SO deeply and consistently disappointed in Starbucks' Salted Caramel coffee creamer. It's just gross. As is, frankly, all of the Starbucks' line of coffee creamers, despite how much I adore their salted caramel mochas.) This is a straight-up caramel flavored coffee creamer. It's got that lovely toffee undertone without tasting burnt. 

5. Cocoa Pebbles. 

International Foods has made both Cocoa Pebbles and Fruity Pebbles coffee creamers. I haven't been able to bring myself to buy the Fruity Pebbles version. I don't love Fruity Pebbles in and of themselves, and the thought of pouring that milk into my coffee is . . . not appetizing. That's in part because the Cocoa Pebbles one is dead-on. It is exactly like pouring the milk from your Cocoa Pebbles into your coffee and, for that, it's kind of fabulous. There's a really faint chocolate malt taste to it, but mostly it tastes 100% like the milk left over from a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. It has a childlike whimsy to it that rally resonates with me. 

6. Funfetti vanilla cake. 

If I'm honest, this was a bit disappointing. I've tried a few different variations of this flavor profile and it never quite gets it right. What I really want is a coffee creamer that tastes like yellow cake batter. This is not that coffee creamer. In fairness, it doesn't claim to be. It says it's white cake flavor with sprinkles. It's not really, but there's a sense of cupcake about it, I suppose. Mostly, it just tastes sugary. 

7. Glazed donut.

The same is true for glazed donut. I was SO excited about this. The packaging has a picture of what looks like a classic Krispy Kreme donut on it and my friends, that's what I was looking for. That crackly sugar and warm donut flavor profile. But it's not there. There's not a distinctive flavor to this at all. It's just sweet. I mean, it's fine, but it doesn't taste like donuts in the least. 

Despite enjoying some of the Chobani coffee creamers, I have to say emphatically DO NOT buy Almond coco loco (Chobani). I was super excited to try this but it tastes like suntan lotion. It's AWFUL. Honestly, I think most coconut coffee creamers taste like suntan lotion. I was so excited about Almond Joy coffee creamer, too. Suntan lotion. Coconut cream? Suntan lotion. It's allllll suntan lotion. Blech. I want to just scrape it off my tongue to get rid of the taste. Absolutely disgusting. I threw this one out. Undrinkable.

Ritz Cheese Crispers (Cheddar)

These surprised me. I've been seeing the commercials and putting them in my (online) shopping cart, taking them out, putting them in, taking them out. I had to actually go into Target today (horrors), and saw them on the shelf and just grabbed them on a whim.

They are actually pretty fabulous. They're much lighter than a traditional Ritz, but still have that butteriness to them, and they taste for all the world like they're dusted in Kraft Mac n Cheese powder. I ate . . . a few. I'll absolutely buy them again. 

Starbucks Golden Turmeric coffee

So, one of my summer joys is making my own iced coffee. I add brown sugar, cinnamon, cardamom, and a bit of cayenne to fresh ground beans and cold steep them for 24 hours. It's absolutely delicious, and is my attempt to sort of mimic a Thai iced coffee.

Surfing coffee on my local Dillon's (Kroger) grocery site, I ran across THIS:



Now, my favorite iced mochas are from Black Cat in Ashland (their Thai iced coffee is fabulous and there's nothing like their spicy mocha when it's cold), and my favorite beans are this Malawi Mzuzu from Paramour (here in Manhattan), but it's nearly $30 a pound. It's a global pandemic and we're taking about a $25k-$30k hit to our household income this year. $30 coffee, for now, has to go.

Trust me, I'd rather support the local place than Starbucks, but here we are.

I was so pleasantly surprised by this coffee. I almost didn't buy it because I thought, well, I'll just put turmeric in my own coffee, but this has what at least looks like relatively coarse ground spices in it, including turmeric, but also ginger and black pepper. It's legitimately delicious. I got myself some sweetened condensed milk and was a happy happy stay-at-home camper this morning.

Haagen-Dazs Crispy Trio Layers Ruby Cacao Crackle vs. Ben & Jerry's Caramel Cheesecake Chocolate Truffl

Apparently Ruby Cacao is the exciting new kid on the chocolate block. The actual ice cream in this is pistachio and sweet cream. I love good pistachio ice cream. This is not particularly good pistachio ice cream, though. I mean, it's not bad, it's just not very pistachio-y. The ruby cacao is interesting. I'm glad I've tried it and I wouldn't say no to it in something else, but I'm not totally sold on it. I think the ruby cacao makes it smell a little funky -- a little moldy, sort of?

That's all to say that this is fine. I mean, it's ice cream, so it's not bad, but I won't buy it again.





But this? THIS is spectacular.





I mean, this was surprisingly good. It's maybe in my top 5 ice creams. It's definitely in my top 10. Just, seriously? I mean, caramel cheesecake ice cream? YESSSSSSSS. Graham cracker covered cheesecake pieces in it? Oh hells yes. And a chocolate cookie swirl? Good lord yes. I was skeptical -- I've had bad cheesecake ice cream before, but this tastes like actual cheesecake. Good cheesecake. Have I mentioned how good this is?

Honestly, I'm a salty over sweet girl. I mean, I'd rather not have to choose (hot french fries dipped into a Wendy's Frosty, anyone?), but if I had to, I go french fries and potato chips all day long. I can walk by ice cream without stopping, and pretty often, I just have a spoonful at a time. Like, a single spoonful, not a spoonful at a time until the whole bowl is gone. But this is one of those ice creams that I could sit down and eat the entire pint in one sitting.

So, in the head to head, it's no contest. Skip the Haagen-Dazs and go straight for the Ben & Jerry's.

Pop Tarts Pretzels

So. We've been social distancing and (semi)quarantining since mid-March. I think we're on week 7? It's been, I think, 5-6 weeks since I've set foot inside a grocery store. This is a sadness. I understand it's a minor sadness in the face of a global pandemic. And yet, it's true. I miss the grocery store.

Now, when the writing was on the wall and I could see this lockdown coming, I spent a fair bit of money at the grocery store. For the most part, I tried to only buy things that I knew we'd eat, things I could freeze or things that were very shelf stable. I tried not to buy too many impulse things, too many things we shouldn't eat every day.

But, it was also a pandemic, a national crisis. And so I thought it was high time I tried the Pop Tarts pretzels.



I'd almost bought them a few times, but I buy Pop Tarts maybe twice a year. I actually LOVE them, which is why I tend not to have them in the house. But, again, pandemic. So I cracked.

Quick review: meh. I mean, they're fine. But they really just taste like regular Pop Tarts without enough filling. They don't taste like pretzels, and they're not particularly salty. If you've eaten a cinnamon sugar Pop Tart and thought, "you know, this would be better if it had less flavor," then these are for you.

Dot's

No, not these Dot's, although, let's be honest, these are kind of great. I mean, do they get stuck in your teeth like almost nothing else? They do. Are they still worth it? Kind of.



But these are not the Dots I'm talking about. No, the Dots I'm talking about here are pretzels. These lovelies:


I'm not really a pretzels person, typically. Like, on a flight, when they try to give me pretzels, I'm like, no, I'm good. But a few years ago, I was at a bourbon/whisky tasting fundraiser that had hors d'oeuvres, except the food was meh at best. But there was this giant bowl of pretzels, which seemed somewhat safe, so I grabbed some of those. Like, I don't know, 5-10 of them. I popped one in my mouth, turned around on the spot, and loaded up my plate. They were seasoned and delicious. I was hooked.

This past year, I was driving home from Wisconsin and stopped at a gas station. I saw a small bag of these and thought they reminded me, somehow, of those unnamed, mystery pretzels from the bourbon tasting. So I bought a bag, popped two in my mouth, and said aloud, through a mouthful of pretzel, "oh hells yes."

So. fucking. good. They're salty, buttery, and have a little garlic and onion flavor. Not so much that it's overpowering, but enough that it just (and I know this seems like I'm overselling it here, but I'm not) elevates these beyond your typical pretzel. Am I getting a little misty-eyed about a pretzel? I am.

And it's not over yet. Because they just introduced THIS:



YESSSS! These are like Taco Doritos, but they're pretzels. With taco seasoning. They're AWFUL for your breath, but totally delicious.

If it's not obvious, I love these. Skip the Cheetos popcorn (soooo disappointing) and get these instead. Trust me.